Monday, 28 November 2011

Sixth form life.

Firstly, I apologise to anyone who does actually read this (which is probably nobody) for not posting in months. Neither my laptop or phone were allowing me to publish anything - I have loads of outdated drafts that were meant to be published but couldn't! I now have a fancy new app ;)

Since I last blogged, I've entered 6th form. Which I hadn't thought would be a major thing, since I'm still in the same building and I still have the same teachers, etc. But it's in fact a huge step up from GCSE level. I'm struggling to keep up with my work, especially when combined with everything else I'm trying to juggle.

I'm feeling very tired, very overwhelmed and also very confused and sceptical about life - something I really don't want to be.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Lifehouse - 'Storm'

How long have I
Been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form.
Water's getting harder to tread,
With these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see you,
Everything will be alright.
If I'd see you,
The storminess will turn to light.

And I will walk on water,
And you will catch me if I fall.
And I will get lost into your eyes,
And everything will be alright.
And everything will be alright.

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown.
So why am I 10 feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose,
'cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface.

If I could just see you,
Everything will be alright.
If I see you,
The storminess will turn to light.

And I will walk on water,
And you will catch me if I fall.
And I will get lost into your eyes,
And everything will be alright.

And I will walk on water,
And you will catch me if I fall.
And I will get lost into your eyes,
And everything will be alright.
I know everything is alright,
Everything's alright.

These lyrics are just so, so beautiful... I just had to share them SOMEWHERE. YouTube it - Storm, by Lifehouse. An extremely powerful song.
I always find it fascinating how songs can create such emotions in the mind and heart. Something to blog about another time, maybe.

Friday, 3 June 2011

On Makeup

Something that has always annoyed me about myself is that I actually hate makeup. I hate the idea that girls (and, not to be stereotypical, some boys) cover their faces in makeup to try and improve their appearance. In my ideal world, we would all just look natural.

Why? Because there is so much pressure to look ‘good’ when we move on from natural beauty (which I sincerely believe everyone possesses), to unnatural and fake beauty. Trends start appearing, fashion takes over, and suddenly beauty’s very meaning is diminished, for all we become concerned about is a person’s madeup face, as well as their body and styled hair and fashion-related clothes. Beauty was never meant to be about manmade things. Inner beauty is what really matters. It breaks my heart that the majority of people nowadays only look at people on surface level, especially as acquaintances.

The reason why it annoys me so much? I’m guilty. I succumb to the pressure, just like 99% of other girls. Because if I don’t, I feel inadequate. I can feel people I know staring at me in disbelief. I feel ugly, and slobbish. Even though I know that that is just due to the mindset and society we live in, and that makeup is just a cover, and has no real significance.

The other thing is that most of the pressure I feel to wear makeup does not come from the opposite sex. For me, makeup is not about attracting guys, or trying to impress them. It’s about keeping the critical, gossiping females at bay, and impressing them.

Oh, the trivial worries of the human race.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Prom: Happiness.

I could say many, many things about Prom. I could talk about how it compared to the typical Americanised dream of prom, about boys and girls, about dresses, and vehicles, and dancing, and music, and love, and laughter, and socialising, and award ceremonies, and alcohol, and after parties.

I could mention all of these things, but I won't. Instead, I'm going to talk about happiness.

The thing about happiness is that it comes in many different forms, and through many different mediums. For instance, the happiness you feel when you get given a present is different to the happiness you feel when you discover that someone you know has become engaged, or when you manage to achieve something for the first time.

For me, last night signified the realisation of how many people I love. As I 'mingled' around the room and had to decide who I was going to go and talk to at that precise minute, it struck me how accepted I've recently become by a certain group of friends - a group who I would love to be more of a part of. This, in its simple form, made me happy.

Last night also made me happy in that it was a chance to forget about everything. I didn't need to think about complications, or bad gossip, or the evil that is rooted somewhere in everybody's hearts. I didn't think about anything deep, moral, serious, thought-provoking, or upsetting - on purpose. I thought shallow thoughts, and wallowed in the happiness that this freedom brought; fully aware that I could not live thinking in such a way long-term, but that for one night it would be bliss. And bliss it was.

I was also giddy with excitement. The adrenaline of being chauffeur-driven in a pink Hummer limousine, with some of my closest friends, dressed to the nines, was amazing.

Being noticed also gives a buzz of happiness. The pleasant compliments from both genders on how you look, on your dress and your hair, etc. Being noticed, rather than being invisible. I felt good. Which had been my main aim in the first place. I didn't really care whether I looked good to other peoples' standards, so long as I felt good.

For one night, it was wonderful to let it all go. To have fun. To spend time with many beautiful and wonderful people, and just enjoy it without overthinking and analysing and wishing for more. To be shallow and instinctive, and individual. To just be completely, 100% happy.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011


A blog can be used for many different purposes, and in many different ways. Some people use it to rant about their lives and the situations they find themselves in, some use it as an update to others, keeping them informed, and some people blog for the sake of it, to keep away the boredom and to provide a distraction. Others use theirs as a way of explaining how they are feeling to anyone who cares to listen. It's the latter for me today.

You see, I blog primarily for myself. Not for the readers (sorry), but for myself. I just like getting my thoughts out of my brain, into my fingers, and into the computer keyboard - it's extremely satisfying. And to think that people actually like reading this! It always amazes me. In a good way, obviously. On the back of this, I'm now just going to explain how I feel at this moment in time, and it may be completely boring to you, you may empathise completely with how I feel, or you might just see it as a window into how I think.

My brain is in a complete whirlwind of thoughts. Cabaret, Eisteddfod, school work, exams, coursework, Grade 8 Piano, Grade 8 Viola, Blue2, WYJO, WYO, tennis, community group, Fusion, Gracechurch, Italy, friendships, relationships..
Everything is crashing. Colliding. Some things feel like I'm almost literally holding on to them with my fingertips. Subjects which I used to be the strongest in at school are now becoming weak, and I'm losing motivation. Maths, for example.

Maths used to be my thing. I used to fight it out in middle school to secure my place at the top of the Maths geeks, so to speak. I liked it because there is a set answer, either right or wrong, and nothing could change that. And that hasn't changed. But I have changed. I now prefer subjects where you can have any opinion at all, and claim anything, so long as you can offer up proof to back up your theory. And coming to terms with the fact that a) I'm not a wonderful mathematician for my age any more and b) I'm not who I used to be is tough.

I feel like I have made many more friends, through Cabaret and music groups and everything like that, but that they're surface friends - they're brilliant in Cabaret, etc, but once they're over I will hardly see them. They won't be there for the lunchtimes when I'm free, or when I need someone to talk to who will understand. And it feels like all this time being spent with other people, doing other things, means that the friendship with my real, proper, close close friends, is weakening. And this scares me, both on a selfish and unselfish level.

Cabaret ends in a week. Which I'm very glad about, because it shall free up SO much of my time! But at the same time, I'm dreading its finish, because I don't know what I'll do without it now. It's what I've worked towards, aimed for, for months. I don't know what's waiting for me without it. It'll be weird, at least.

This is where you all think I'm a crazy / depressed / strange person with a very bizarre brain. I promise you I'm not. Life's just a little busy. And everything has crashed.