Wednesday, 9 February 2011


A blog can be used for many different purposes, and in many different ways. Some people use it to rant about their lives and the situations they find themselves in, some use it as an update to others, keeping them informed, and some people blog for the sake of it, to keep away the boredom and to provide a distraction. Others use theirs as a way of explaining how they are feeling to anyone who cares to listen. It's the latter for me today.

You see, I blog primarily for myself. Not for the readers (sorry), but for myself. I just like getting my thoughts out of my brain, into my fingers, and into the computer keyboard - it's extremely satisfying. And to think that people actually like reading this! It always amazes me. In a good way, obviously. On the back of this, I'm now just going to explain how I feel at this moment in time, and it may be completely boring to you, you may empathise completely with how I feel, or you might just see it as a window into how I think.

My brain is in a complete whirlwind of thoughts. Cabaret, Eisteddfod, school work, exams, coursework, Grade 8 Piano, Grade 8 Viola, Blue2, WYJO, WYO, tennis, community group, Fusion, Gracechurch, Italy, friendships, relationships..
Everything is crashing. Colliding. Some things feel like I'm almost literally holding on to them with my fingertips. Subjects which I used to be the strongest in at school are now becoming weak, and I'm losing motivation. Maths, for example.

Maths used to be my thing. I used to fight it out in middle school to secure my place at the top of the Maths geeks, so to speak. I liked it because there is a set answer, either right or wrong, and nothing could change that. And that hasn't changed. But I have changed. I now prefer subjects where you can have any opinion at all, and claim anything, so long as you can offer up proof to back up your theory. And coming to terms with the fact that a) I'm not a wonderful mathematician for my age any more and b) I'm not who I used to be is tough.

I feel like I have made many more friends, through Cabaret and music groups and everything like that, but that they're surface friends - they're brilliant in Cabaret, etc, but once they're over I will hardly see them. They won't be there for the lunchtimes when I'm free, or when I need someone to talk to who will understand. And it feels like all this time being spent with other people, doing other things, means that the friendship with my real, proper, close close friends, is weakening. And this scares me, both on a selfish and unselfish level.

Cabaret ends in a week. Which I'm very glad about, because it shall free up SO much of my time! But at the same time, I'm dreading its finish, because I don't know what I'll do without it now. It's what I've worked towards, aimed for, for months. I don't know what's waiting for me without it. It'll be weird, at least.

This is where you all think I'm a crazy / depressed / strange person with a very bizarre brain. I promise you I'm not. Life's just a little busy. And everything has crashed.