Prom: Happiness.

I could say many, many things about Prom. I could talk about how it compared to the typical Americanised dream of prom, about boys and girls, about dresses, and vehicles, and dancing, and music, and love, and laughter, and socialising, and award ceremonies, and alcohol, and after parties.

I could mention all of these things, but I won't. Instead, I'm going to talk about happiness.

The thing about happiness is that it comes in many different forms, and through many different mediums. For instance, the happiness you feel when you get given a present is different to the happiness you feel when you discover that someone you know has become engaged, or when you manage to achieve something for the first time.

For me, last night signified the realisation of how many people I love. As I 'mingled' around the room and had to decide who I was going to go and talk to at that precise minute, it struck me how accepted I've recently become by a certain group of friends - a group who I would love to be more of a part of. This, in its simple form, made me happy.

Last night also made me happy in that it was a chance to forget about everything. I didn't need to think about complications, or bad gossip, or the evil that is rooted somewhere in everybody's hearts. I didn't think about anything deep, moral, serious, thought-provoking, or upsetting - on purpose. I thought shallow thoughts, and wallowed in the happiness that this freedom brought; fully aware that I could not live thinking in such a way long-term, but that for one night it would be bliss. And bliss it was.

I was also giddy with excitement. The adrenaline of being chauffeur-driven in a pink Hummer limousine, with some of my closest friends, dressed to the nines, was amazing.

Being noticed also gives a buzz of happiness. The pleasant compliments from both genders on how you look, on your dress and your hair, etc. Being noticed, rather than being invisible. I felt good. Which had been my main aim in the first place. I didn't really care whether I looked good to other peoples' standards, so long as I felt good.

For one night, it was wonderful to let it all go. To have fun. To spend time with many beautiful and wonderful people, and just enjoy it without overthinking and analysing and wishing for more. To be shallow and instinctive, and individual. To just be completely, 100% happy.

Crash.

A blog can be used for many different purposes, and in many different ways. Some people use it to rant about their lives and the situations they find themselves in, some use it as an update to others, keeping them informed, and some people blog for the sake of it, to keep away the boredom and to provide a distraction. Others use theirs as a way of explaining how they are feeling to anyone who cares to listen. It's the latter for me today.

You see, I blog primarily for myself. Not for the readers (sorry), but for myself. I just like getting my thoughts out of my brain, into my fingers, and into the computer keyboard - it's extremely satisfying. And to think that people actually like reading this! It always amazes me. In a good way, obviously. On the back of this, I'm now just going to explain how I feel at this moment in time, and it may be completely boring to you, you may empathise completely with how I feel, or you might just see it as a window into how I think.

My brain is in a complete whirlwind of thoughts. Cabaret, Eisteddfod, school work, exams, coursework, Grade 8 Piano, Grade 8 Viola, Blue2, WYJO, WYO, tennis, community group, Fusion, Gracechurch, Italy, friendships, relationships..

Everything is crashing. Colliding. Some things feel like I'm almost literally holding on to them with my fingertips. Subjects which I used to be the strongest in at school are now becoming weak, and I'm losing motivation. Maths, for example.

Maths used to be my thing. I used to fight it out in middle school to secure my place at the top of the Maths geeks, so to speak. I liked it because there is a set answer, either right or wrong, and nothing could change that. And that hasn't changed. But I have changed. I now prefer subjects where you can have any opinion at all, and claim anything, so long as you can offer up proof to back up your theory. And coming to terms with the fact that a) I'm not a wonderful mathematician for my age any more and b) I'm not who I used to be is tough.

I feel like I have made many more friends, through Cabaret and music groups and everything like that, but that they're surface friends - they're brilliant in Cabaret, etc, but once they're over I will hardly see them. They won't be there for the lunchtimes when I'm free, or when I need someone to talk to who will understand. And it feels like all this time being spent with other people, doing other things, means that the friendship with my real, proper, close close friends, is weakening. And this scares me, both on a selfish and unselfish level.

Cabaret ends in a week. Which I'm very glad about, because it shall free up SO much of my time! But at the same time, I'm dreading its finish, because I don't know what I'll do without it now. It's what I've worked towards, aimed for, for months. I don't know what's waiting for me without it. It'll be weird, at least.

This is where you all think I'm a crazy / depressed / strange person with a very bizarre brain. I promise you I'm not. Life's just a little busy. And everything has crashed.

Holiday?

So, once again, the majority of the British population (indeed, most of the world) is supposedly approaching a time of festivity, joy and happiness. Christmas. It's true that Christmas generally does bring with it fun memories and gifts and other pleasant occurrences, but the Christmas period as a whole can be rather stressful.

There are hundreds of Christmas cards to be written (to people who already know that you care about them without a card that simply says what you will say to them in person anyway), presents to be wrapped, having been bought first (which is actually easier said than done, because I haven't found time to go shopping yet, and Christmas Day, scarily, is just over a week away!), annual updates to be sent to distant relatives (with whom this is the only contact, in the entire year), homes to be cleaned and tidied in case of visitors, and much, much more.

Not forgetting the fact that the Christmas cake has to be made, the mince pies sprinkled with extra sugar, the marzipan rolled and cut into delightful shapes, and the mulled wine mulled.

But on top of this, for those of us who have to go to school for approximately 40 weeks of the year, and especially for those of us who are nearing the end of our compulsory education, there is homework to be done, coursework to be completed, and exams to be prepared for. Science revision, in my case, is not what I'm most looking forward to about Christmas.

Add onto all of this any extra-curriculum activities which need preparation, such as finding sheet music, practicing accompaniments for various school choirs and musicals, and along with that, consider any additional hobbies, such as piano practice (for a grade 8 exam in the next term) and violin/viola practice (for a grade 8 exam in the forseeable future), and you have a large list of things which need to be done.

I have lists, written on post-it notes, stuck to my cupboards, in the hope that by the end of the Christmas holidays, everything on them will have been crossed out. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try.

My point, at long last, is this: Are 'holidays' really holidays? Yes, we have a break from school, but my view on the upcoming Christmas holidays is that they are a chance to catch up with sleep, work, and music practice; a chance to get on the ball with everything; a chance to maybe even get ahead of the game. It's not a holiday, not for me! And I don't think that there is anyone, anyone at all, who will have these two weeks as one long holiday. Everybody will be catching up on sleep / working / catching up on things that they don't usually have the opportunity or time to do.

Don't get me wrong - I am by no means complaining about the Christmas holidays. I shall enjoy them immensely, and will not be at all willing to go back to school at the end of them.

I'm simply considering the terminology. The irony of it..

The Death Penalty.

I've been thinking a lot recently about the death penalty.

I discovered a copy of The Green Mile by Stephen King in an Oxfam bookshop a couple of weeks ago, and on a whim decided to buy it (despite never having heard of either the book or the film, but only of the author).

I started to read it, and then as a matter of coincidence we started talking/learning about the death penalty in rs at school...

It's a topic I've always known my opinion on, but now I feel so strongly about it, that I can and will debate with anyone about it.

To some, it may seem like an efficient way of clearing society of danger, clearing prison space, and acting as a deterrent, but this isn't true. It's proven that the threat of the death penalty does not act as a deterrent - average crime rates in England actually decreased after it was abolished here. As well as this, the death penalty removes all chance of reformation and a second chance for the offender, and prison isn't the only option for minor offenders, so prison space does not necessarily have to be limited.

But primarily, the reason for my feelings against the death penalty are actually because it such an inhumane and cruel way to die. Despite the fact that these men/women may have committed horrible crimes, they are humans too. The torture of knowing that they are waiting to die is a concept that most of us can barely even consider, never mind imagine. And as for the last few hours, as they consume their last meal, and say their last prayers or take their last counseling, and as they walk their final steps to their final destination of a large reinforced chair, or a noose, the emotions which must surely curse through their veins are horrific. And yet they are induced by members of their own species.

It's so hard to put into words, especially when writing, but although people on death row (and equivalents) may have made terrible mistakes, I believe that it is our own terrible mistake to allow such things to happen.

And as for when innocents happen to become mixed up in such occurrences...

In the end, more lives are taken. In most cases, the life/lives of the original victem(s). And then we add more injury, but taking the life of the original offender. We are as bad as they. Even for putting up with it, or supporting it.

The human race (including myself) sickens me.

When the Moon Is Shining...

Why is it so much easier to think at night?

Never having been one to fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow (I wish!), I often find myself thinking more than I ever do during daylight hours about anything and everything. This, of course, has its advantages. Being fairly introvert at times, I enjoy just lying in my room having some peace and quiet (sad, I know - I'm supposed to be the teenager!), and having the time at night to think through everything keeps me fairly organised and calm.

However.

It has direct consequences the following morning! I am not a morning person at the best of times (consider that a warning!), and thinking means that was awake at night when I should have been asleep, and therefore I am tired!

Also, once the brain starts thinking, it takes a while to deactivate, so to speak. Which means that I waste sleep time, and am even more tired in the morning. For instance, right now, despite having been shattered for most of the day, I am blogging in the hope that my fully-awake brain will want to go to sleep!

Life would be so much easier if we didn't think at all...

Holiday Time.

The holidays seem to have gone really quickly, but at the same time, have stretched on forever. A week in China, two weeks in Norfolk on two different holidays, plus sleepovers and going out and other such activities have certainly kept me busy, and I'm soon going away for another week. In the midst of all this, I've had food technology coursework to do (which is eating up hours of my time), serious violin and piano practice to crack on with, and other bits and bobs which don't usually get done in term time.

So I've made good use of the holidays, making sure that I have time to relax, too, and do things which I definitely won't have time for come September (such as The Sims 3, to which I am completely addicted...). I've really enjoyed just having time. Time to sleep, time to relax, the freedom of being able to do work when I actually feel like it.

The freedom shall be short lived, though. On return to school, in two weeks' time, I shall be attending two county music groups, accompanying the school musical + rehearsals, accompanying the school choir, taking part in the school's Eisteddfod rehearsals and being a part of all the other music groups that I'm involved in. Plus working towards more GCSEs.

After last year's stressful, depressing revision period, I am not looking forward to year 11 in the slightest in terms of actually doing work. Although I won't be doing Latin any more, there shall be far more subjects to revise for! I had about 12 exams in year 10, and will probably have about the same number this year, but the exams will almost all be different subjects, meaning more revision! Thankfully, though, there will be exam leave. Having exams in year 10 without exam leave meant that I was being given homework, coursework and piano practice for accompanying So Mad (a school production) at the same time, all with strict deadlines, as well as revising for 12 exams.

Talking of exams, the tension at the moment is almost unbearable. My latin results will be available on Tuesday, and, if I were in year 11, I would be able to go and receive them from South. However. Since I've just finished lowly year 10, I have to wait until September before I find out how I did. I'm extremely curious, since I had not target or attainment grades at all throughout the Latin lessons, and therefore I have no idea about how I've done. I'm hopeful, considering the sheer amount of work and revision I did (and the exams went well), that I've done ok. But we shall see - in September. I'm so impatient.

In the meantime, I just have a growing dread about returning to school, waiting for the chaos to start...

Friendly Catch-Ups At Costa Coffee.

Today, I once again went down to Bromsgrove's ever-so-exciting high street, but this time it was not to mooch, nor was it to shop. Instead, I made my way to Costa Coffee - the coffee shop of pure indulgence (for a price...). I don't even like coffee.

I like Costa. The atmosphere is relaxed but sophisticated, and sitting inside at a window table (in order to people-watch) on high stools with a friend whom I had not had a catchup with in a while was extremely pleasant. Of course, the hot chocolate with marshmellows, cream, and chocolate sprinkles added to this effect!

But even more than my liking of Costa, is my liking of catch-up chats. Most people know this. I'm the inquisitive (or nosy, take your pick) kind of person who likes to know what's going on in other peoples' lives, and who likes other people to know most of what's going on in my own. I think that it takes a lot of trust for two people to have a proper, two-way catchup, and it builds the relationship between them. Knowing what is going on in someone else's life helps to understand them better as a person, and with understanding comes stronger friendship and companionship.

As for sharing your own life, burdens are much heavier when they're not shared. Obviously, catchups are not about sharing every single thing that has ever happened in your entire life, but the important, big, relevant (and appropriate) things are often better shared, because it means that there is at least one ear out there to listen to you. This applies to good news and updates as well as bad or upsetting ones.

I'm a firm believer in catchups. Especially ones in Costa Coffee.