Sixth form life.

Firstly, I apologise to anyone who does actually read this (which is probably nobody) for not posting in months. Neither my laptop or phone were allowing me to publish anything - I have loads of outdated drafts that were meant to be published but couldn't! I now have a fancy new app ;)

Since I last blogged, I've entered 6th form. Which I hadn't thought would be a major thing, since I'm still in the same building and I still have the same teachers, etc. But it's in fact a huge step up from GCSE level. I'm struggling to keep up with my work, especially when combined with everything else I'm trying to juggle.

I'm feeling very tired, very overwhelmed and also very confused and sceptical about life - something I really don't want to be.

Lifehouse - 'Storm'

How long have I
Been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form.
Water's getting harder to tread,
With these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see you,
Everything will be alright.
If I'd see you,
The storminess will turn to light.

And I will walk on water,
And you will catch me if I fall.
And I will get lost into your eyes,
And everything will be alright.
And everything will be alright.

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown.
So why am I 10 feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose,
'cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface.

If I could just see you,
Everything will be alright.
If I see you,
The storminess will turn to light.

And I will walk on water,
And you will catch me if I fall.
And I will get lost into your eyes,
And everything will be alright.

And I will walk on water,
And you will catch me if I fall.
And I will get lost into your eyes,
And everything will be alright.
I know everything is alright,

Everything's alright.

These lyrics are just so, so beautiful... I just had to share them SOMEWHERE. YouTube it - Storm, by Lifehouse. An extremely powerful song.

I always find it fascinating how songs can create such emotions in the mind and heart. Something to blog about another time, maybe.

On Makeup

Something that has always annoyed me about myself is that I actually hate makeup. I hate the idea that girls (and, not to be stereotypical, some boys) cover their faces in makeup to try and improve their appearance. In my ideal world, we would all just look natural.

Why? Because there is so much pressure to look ‘good’ when we move on from natural beauty (which I sincerely believe everyone possesses), to unnatural and fake beauty. Trends start appearing, fashion takes over, and suddenly beauty’s very meaning is diminished, for all we become concerned about is a person’s madeup face, as well as their body and styled hair and fashion-related clothes. Beauty was never meant to be about manmade things. Inner beauty is what really matters. It breaks my heart that the majority of people nowadays only look at people on surface level, especially as acquaintances.

The reason why it annoys me so much? I’m guilty. I succumb to the pressure, just like 99% of other girls. Because if I don’t, I feel inadequate. I can feel people I know staring at me in disbelief. I feel ugly, and slobbish. Even though I know that that is just due to the mindset and society we live in, and that makeup is just a cover, and has no real significance.

The other thing is that most of the pressure I feel to wear makeup does not come from the opposite sex. For me, makeup is not about attracting guys, or trying to impress them. It’s about keeping the critical, gossiping females at bay, and impressing them.

Oh, the trivial worries of the human race.

Prom: Happiness.

I could say many, many things about Prom. I could talk about how it compared to the typical Americanised dream of prom, about boys and girls, about dresses, and vehicles, and dancing, and music, and love, and laughter, and socialising, and award ceremonies, and alcohol, and after parties.

I could mention all of these things, but I won't. Instead, I'm going to talk about happiness.

The thing about happiness is that it comes in many different forms, and through many different mediums. For instance, the happiness you feel when you get given a present is different to the happiness you feel when you discover that someone you know has become engaged, or when you manage to achieve something for the first time.

For me, last night signified the realisation of how many people I love. As I 'mingled' around the room and had to decide who I was going to go and talk to at that precise minute, it struck me how accepted I've recently become by a certain group of friends - a group who I would love to be more of a part of. This, in its simple form, made me happy.

Last night also made me happy in that it was a chance to forget about everything. I didn't need to think about complications, or bad gossip, or the evil that is rooted somewhere in everybody's hearts. I didn't think about anything deep, moral, serious, thought-provoking, or upsetting - on purpose. I thought shallow thoughts, and wallowed in the happiness that this freedom brought; fully aware that I could not live thinking in such a way long-term, but that for one night it would be bliss. And bliss it was.

I was also giddy with excitement. The adrenaline of being chauffeur-driven in a pink Hummer limousine, with some of my closest friends, dressed to the nines, was amazing.

Being noticed also gives a buzz of happiness. The pleasant compliments from both genders on how you look, on your dress and your hair, etc. Being noticed, rather than being invisible. I felt good. Which had been my main aim in the first place. I didn't really care whether I looked good to other peoples' standards, so long as I felt good.

For one night, it was wonderful to let it all go. To have fun. To spend time with many beautiful and wonderful people, and just enjoy it without overthinking and analysing and wishing for more. To be shallow and instinctive, and individual. To just be completely, 100% happy.

Crash.

A blog can be used for many different purposes, and in many different ways. Some people use it to rant about their lives and the situations they find themselves in, some use it as an update to others, keeping them informed, and some people blog for the sake of it, to keep away the boredom and to provide a distraction. Others use theirs as a way of explaining how they are feeling to anyone who cares to listen. It's the latter for me today.

You see, I blog primarily for myself. Not for the readers (sorry), but for myself. I just like getting my thoughts out of my brain, into my fingers, and into the computer keyboard - it's extremely satisfying. And to think that people actually like reading this! It always amazes me. In a good way, obviously. On the back of this, I'm now just going to explain how I feel at this moment in time, and it may be completely boring to you, you may empathise completely with how I feel, or you might just see it as a window into how I think.

My brain is in a complete whirlwind of thoughts. Cabaret, Eisteddfod, school work, exams, coursework, Grade 8 Piano, Grade 8 Viola, Blue2, WYJO, WYO, tennis, community group, Fusion, Gracechurch, Italy, friendships, relationships..

Everything is crashing. Colliding. Some things feel like I'm almost literally holding on to them with my fingertips. Subjects which I used to be the strongest in at school are now becoming weak, and I'm losing motivation. Maths, for example.

Maths used to be my thing. I used to fight it out in middle school to secure my place at the top of the Maths geeks, so to speak. I liked it because there is a set answer, either right or wrong, and nothing could change that. And that hasn't changed. But I have changed. I now prefer subjects where you can have any opinion at all, and claim anything, so long as you can offer up proof to back up your theory. And coming to terms with the fact that a) I'm not a wonderful mathematician for my age any more and b) I'm not who I used to be is tough.

I feel like I have made many more friends, through Cabaret and music groups and everything like that, but that they're surface friends - they're brilliant in Cabaret, etc, but once they're over I will hardly see them. They won't be there for the lunchtimes when I'm free, or when I need someone to talk to who will understand. And it feels like all this time being spent with other people, doing other things, means that the friendship with my real, proper, close close friends, is weakening. And this scares me, both on a selfish and unselfish level.

Cabaret ends in a week. Which I'm very glad about, because it shall free up SO much of my time! But at the same time, I'm dreading its finish, because I don't know what I'll do without it now. It's what I've worked towards, aimed for, for months. I don't know what's waiting for me without it. It'll be weird, at least.

This is where you all think I'm a crazy / depressed / strange person with a very bizarre brain. I promise you I'm not. Life's just a little busy. And everything has crashed.

Holiday?

So, once again, the majority of the British population (indeed, most of the world) is supposedly approaching a time of festivity, joy and happiness. Christmas. It's true that Christmas generally does bring with it fun memories and gifts and other pleasant occurrences, but the Christmas period as a whole can be rather stressful.

There are hundreds of Christmas cards to be written (to people who already know that you care about them without a card that simply says what you will say to them in person anyway), presents to be wrapped, having been bought first (which is actually easier said than done, because I haven't found time to go shopping yet, and Christmas Day, scarily, is just over a week away!), annual updates to be sent to distant relatives (with whom this is the only contact, in the entire year), homes to be cleaned and tidied in case of visitors, and much, much more.

Not forgetting the fact that the Christmas cake has to be made, the mince pies sprinkled with extra sugar, the marzipan rolled and cut into delightful shapes, and the mulled wine mulled.

But on top of this, for those of us who have to go to school for approximately 40 weeks of the year, and especially for those of us who are nearing the end of our compulsory education, there is homework to be done, coursework to be completed, and exams to be prepared for. Science revision, in my case, is not what I'm most looking forward to about Christmas.

Add onto all of this any extra-curriculum activities which need preparation, such as finding sheet music, practicing accompaniments for various school choirs and musicals, and along with that, consider any additional hobbies, such as piano practice (for a grade 8 exam in the next term) and violin/viola practice (for a grade 8 exam in the forseeable future), and you have a large list of things which need to be done.

I have lists, written on post-it notes, stuck to my cupboards, in the hope that by the end of the Christmas holidays, everything on them will have been crossed out. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try.

My point, at long last, is this: Are 'holidays' really holidays? Yes, we have a break from school, but my view on the upcoming Christmas holidays is that they are a chance to catch up with sleep, work, and music practice; a chance to get on the ball with everything; a chance to maybe even get ahead of the game. It's not a holiday, not for me! And I don't think that there is anyone, anyone at all, who will have these two weeks as one long holiday. Everybody will be catching up on sleep / working / catching up on things that they don't usually have the opportunity or time to do.

Don't get me wrong - I am by no means complaining about the Christmas holidays. I shall enjoy them immensely, and will not be at all willing to go back to school at the end of them.

I'm simply considering the terminology. The irony of it..

The Death Penalty.

I've been thinking a lot recently about the death penalty.

I discovered a copy of The Green Mile by Stephen King in an Oxfam bookshop a couple of weeks ago, and on a whim decided to buy it (despite never having heard of either the book or the film, but only of the author).

I started to read it, and then as a matter of coincidence we started talking/learning about the death penalty in rs at school...

It's a topic I've always known my opinion on, but now I feel so strongly about it, that I can and will debate with anyone about it.

To some, it may seem like an efficient way of clearing society of danger, clearing prison space, and acting as a deterrent, but this isn't true. It's proven that the threat of the death penalty does not act as a deterrent - average crime rates in England actually decreased after it was abolished here. As well as this, the death penalty removes all chance of reformation and a second chance for the offender, and prison isn't the only option for minor offenders, so prison space does not necessarily have to be limited.

But primarily, the reason for my feelings against the death penalty are actually because it such an inhumane and cruel way to die. Despite the fact that these men/women may have committed horrible crimes, they are humans too. The torture of knowing that they are waiting to die is a concept that most of us can barely even consider, never mind imagine. And as for the last few hours, as they consume their last meal, and say their last prayers or take their last counseling, and as they walk their final steps to their final destination of a large reinforced chair, or a noose, the emotions which must surely curse through their veins are horrific. And yet they are induced by members of their own species.

It's so hard to put into words, especially when writing, but although people on death row (and equivalents) may have made terrible mistakes, I believe that it is our own terrible mistake to allow such things to happen.

And as for when innocents happen to become mixed up in such occurrences...

In the end, more lives are taken. In most cases, the life/lives of the original victem(s). And then we add more injury, but taking the life of the original offender. We are as bad as they. Even for putting up with it, or supporting it.

The human race (including myself) sickens me.